Batman Short Stories
by EuropeanDraco
Summary: Just a collection of short drabbles and notes featuring Batman and the Bat-clan. And on occasion other inhabitants of Gotham.
1. Chapter 1

1\. Poison Ivy once come back to her lair to find a small black kitten batting at a few low hanging flowers on her desk while a mangy tomcat was typing on her laptop. The message he typed was this: "Pamela it's Jonathan. You owe me a favour and I need help; Robin and I have been turned into cats and Nightwing didn't notice." It still is one of the weirder things she has found upon returning to her lair.

2\. Jonathan Crane was once a part-time chemistry teacher at one of Gotham's smaller community collages for a semester. He can't actually answer how he got the job, all he knows is that it involves a failed heist, a missing substitute teacher and a non-Gotham-native human resource person.

3\. Joan Leland is one of the most levelled women in existence. Detective Bullock once claimed that she wouldn't bat an eyelash if a lilac elephant came running through her office wearing a smoking jacket while being chased by an FBI-agent and a Star city rouge. One week later he would have been proven right if it hadn't been for the small fact that it was a NSA-agent.

4\. All the rouges have once or twice kidnapped one or more celebrities. Two-Face regularly kidnaps Bruce Wayne to relive old times, Joker have held a vast array of professional comedians' hostage, Mad Hatter once held up master chef America in order for a certain celebrity chef to taste his cooking, Riddler have gotten several autographs at gunpoint and Scarecrow once held the wife of a famous and gifted horror book author hostage for the same reason. Lex Luthor still argues with Poison Ivy about whether he counts as a celebrity, he says not, and she says he does. But he will however admit that the famous actress he was dating at that time counts.

5\. Many of Dicks old friends in the superhero community claims that he is delusional. Not that he is paranoid or imagines things, that is just part of being a bat, but because of his brothers. They think quite rightly that Jason is a homicidal crime lord, that Tim is a paranoid shut-in and that Damian is the devil incarnated. Dick himself claims to not know what they are talking about and that his brothers are nice people, admittedly Jason has a few anger management issues, Tim could use to get out more and Damian needs a little more time to work on his social skills. But they are nice, and he loves them. His friends have long since given up telling him otherwise.

6\. There exists three different satanistic cults that worship the fifth Robin as antichrist. Getting Batman (or Nightwing) to believe this have proved futile despite that several of the league members have presented hard evidence.

7\. All the former Robins have a villain that they have a sort of friendship or at least special and not totally violent bond with. Books can and have been written about Nightwing and Deathstroke, the Red Hood visits the Mad Hatter for tea fairly often and Red Robin have a friendly rivalry going on with the Riddler and Spoiler all but dates Klarion the Witch boy. Batman is both terrified and annoyed by this. He had hoped that Talia would be the special one for the fifth Robin, being his mom and all, but instead he seems to have developed a connection with the Scarecrow based on their mutual love of terrifying people, something Batman isn't happy about. Catwoman thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

8\. The Bat family have long since gotten used to Dick being the only one Damian openly admits to liking and that he can be rather possessive about his oldest brother. Therefore, it come as quite a surprise when he willingly cancelled a camping trip for just the two of them so that Dick could spend time with his daughter Mar'i. Truth is that Damian likes Mar'i more than he likes Dick and is truly annoyed that her favourite uncle is Jason. He has wowed to correct this as soon as possible.

9\. Over the last year Selina have regularly called Bruce to help her find things missing from her apartment, it started with "have you seen my other earring" and have now progressed to "Come help me find the asshole who stole my bed". Bruce always comes but even he hasn't been capable of finding the thief or most of her clothes. If he was a bit more attentive at home, he would have noticed that most of Selina's missing things are actually in his room. Her clothes are in the closet and jewellery in the dresser, his bed is in the attic and hers in his bedroom. The reason for this is that Damian have decided that the two of them are ridiculous and should stop fooling around and get married. He thinks that if he moves her things to the manor little at a time she will soon have moved in.

10\. Batman did once upon a time send Red Robin on a solo mission to capture the Riddler and was very worried when he comeback a few hours later with the Riddler still at large and laughing so much that he could barely speak. When Red Robin finally did manage to calm down and tell Batman why he was so merry Batman laughed and said; " Well we let him finish that before we arrest him". Next day Riddler's latest scheme came into play. All the traffic lights in the whole city was in perfect sync, this created more traffic chaos that it rightfully should have.

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More to come.


	2. Chapter 2

Here comes some more.

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11\. During his career Scarecrow have been turned into a cat by someone twice, the first time he wasn't alone but with Robin and got Poison Ivy and Nightwing to help them turn back. They still don't know how did it. The second time was by Klarion and Batman asked Zatanna to change him back. However, it turned out she didn't do it properly because Jonathan can still turn into a cat. It is mostly done by will, but he always knows it is going to be a bad day when he wakes up to find that he has sometime during the night turned himself into his more feline self.

12\. Having been raised by a league of assassins Damian often gets certain things wrong. This reaches from social interaction (with his brothers or otherwise) to urban myths. This will get better the longer he stays with his father but the first year was a nightmare in some ways, especially during holidays. The first Christmas he celebrated Alfred found Jason on the roof in the morning. Turns out he had somehow promised the little demon to be on Santa-guard. Apparently, Damian had been completely freaked out by the notion of a stranger breaking into people's homes and had asked Jason, as a fellow criminal, for advice how to stop him. After arguing with his brother and failing to get him to believe that Santa Claus didn't exist Jason had given up and offered to guard the house. Damian still insisted on sleeping with Dick that night. Dick was shocked, and Alfred insisted on serving Jason hot chocolate before he left. The incident was mostly forgotten until Easter when it took the combined efforts of Tim and Bruce to get the "Easter bunny" that showed up to Damian's school to not press charges after Damian attacked him claiming that if he didn't show some id he was obviously a crook out to poison kids. But they had to give him right about one thing, you shouldn't take candy from a stranger especially not in Gotham.

13\. Anyone whom has read the works of Lewis Carroll is familiar with the image of playing crocket with flamingos and hedgehogs. The Mad Hatter would have loved to be able to make this reality but sadly it is impossible to do in real life. Hedgehogs simply can't be trained to roll up in balls. But, to the everlasting despair of the Gotham city zoo and its employers in the aviary department, it is entirely possible, if one is willing to devote a ridiculous amount of time and shrimp to the task, to train flamingos to stand still and allow themselves to be swung upside-down. The matches are usually in late summer.

14\. Dr Joan Leland is probably the only person in the world, except Harley Quinn, whom is relieved to see the Joker step inside the room when she is being held hostage.

15\. The GPCD and the rogues have over the year developed a strangely familiar bond, this because they see more of each other than of their families. This having been said detective Bullock still doesn't know that the reason that his apartment periodically turns out to be clean even though he doesn't do housework if he can avoid it, is because of the Riddler. He, upon finding out what Bullock's apartment was like, forged a key and hired a cleaning crew to clean it for him monthly. Riddler have decided that if Bullock finds out about it he won't tell him that he had to pay extra the first times because the cleaning crew insisted that they needed hazmat suits for the detective's bathroom.

16\. Gotham is a dangerous and weird place, it is also the city where the line "Parallel dimensional time travel? On a Tuesday? Oh god, now I'm gonna get the whole week messed up." can be said with total sincerity inside the police station without anyone batting an eye.

17\. Most people think that the Scarecrow's birthday is in either March or October. It's not. He gets very annoyed when people assume this. Because, despite the fact that October is his favourite month and that Tetch's nickname for him is Marchie, neither has anything to do with when he was born. October is the month of Halloween which is his favourite holiday and Marchie is a short form of the March Hare which is his place in the Mad Hatters fantasy world. In truth Jonathan was born in August.

18\. Once again Gotham is a dangerous and twisted place, and also the only city in America where the prostitutes, or the working ladies as they prefer to be called, have formed their own working union. They regularly go on strikes when someone starts to kill their own, this spans from the entire city to single territories or crime syndicates. Two-Faces group in particularly is forced to hunt down a killer among their own several times a year in order to stop a strike towards their group.

19\. Neither Bruce nor Tim now longer remembers what triggered it, but once when Bruce truly pissed him of Tim introduced Damian to Hello kitty as revenge. This worked fabulously since Damian sometimes can be remarkably girly and is a devoted lover of all animals, especially the fury ones. He loved it to obsession and Bruce was honestly disturbed. Tim has threatened to introduce Damian to My little pony should there be a next time.

20\. Bruce once promised that the first of his children to get married will get his mother's engagement ring, an old Wayne heirloom. He stands by his word, but he could never have imagined which one of them it will be.

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Enjoy.


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